new school year

i'm trying to get ready for school and stuff. my finaid will not be in till next week so i had to get an emergency loan. i went over all the 'fees' i'm being charged for. its ridiculous. my lil bro claims that one day there'll be standing fees, walking fees, and breathing their air fees someday xD  i chose online courses as well so the fees to me are more dumb.

what a day

omg what a day.

i was not feeling good at all. joints ached, back hurt. coming back from work all i wanted to do was soak in the tub. nice and relaxed afterwards but began to get a fever and stomach felt odd. right away ate some garlic (2 cloves). yh its nasty and u get bad breath but it works right away. my fever went down in mins. and my stomach started feeling better. i knew i had to sleep despite the urgency to finish homework. i have a test due by friday, yet have not finished the review for it. i have not even started on the homework for this week. however, i knew if i did not rest i would be much worse off and more than likely have more than one day of not studying. so it was better to skip tonite and just sleep. woke up an hour later feeling alright. i thought i could get some homework done. nope. instead, my lil dog Logan decides to dig around the ravine and rouse up a nest of fire ants. i dont know how my mom saw them from that long of a distance (near 20ft). i couldnt see them at all. luckily the dumb dog knows when the door opens one of us comes out. he sprinted over to me and i right away brought him in. since he's such an energetic and playful dog, well, lets just say those few hrs of studying went down the drain. with a mom that gets high strung in a hurry, every lil movement or sniff made her think Logan was going to poop or pee there. while i watched/played with Logan, i tried my best to do some studying but have only managed to finish a 4 part problem. sigh. as for the ant problem, dad bought some powerful dust to spread around in the area. it smelled weird. dad spread it all over the ravine in the backyard. in one area, there were a few hanging around still. i thought they slept at nite. right when the powder landed on them, they swarmed around in a frenzy as if being attacked and wanting to know from where. dad was brave or stupid. he literally walked into the ravine with them around. i thought he was nuts. anyway, supposedly this poison dust will kill the queen. hopefully it works. as for Logan, i hooked up 3 dog leashes together and tied him to the back screen door. he cant reach the poison and the ants cant reach him so thank g-d for that. now i barely got on and decided to type about my day. i thought i'd be annoyed and frustrated for having my study time totally screwed up. i'm actually proud that i didnt let the day bother me. things happen, our plans change, but i will recall what a teacher told me: remain cool and expect change.

health snacks to remember
Almonds (1 oz)
163 calories
14 g fat (1 g saturated)
6 g protein
3.5 g fiberAlmonds are an excellent source of heart-healthy monosaturated fats, and, pound for pound, a better source of protein than eggs. That's part of the reason why research published in the journal Obesity demonstrated that people who frequently eat nuts are less likely to gain weight. Just be sure to eat them whole: A study from the Journal of Nutrition found that the flavonoids in the skin combine with the vitamin E in the nut to double the antioxidant dose.

Kashi GoLean Original (1 cup with 1/2 cup of 1% milk)
195 calories
2.5 g fat (.5 g saturated)
12 g sugars
17 g protein
10 g fiber

You know how you're not supposed to judge a book by its cover? Well the same rule applies to cereal. Some cereals, like the granola below, look healthy but actually have as much sugar as a candy bar. Kashi's GoLean lives up to its healthy moniker. This bowl has twice as much fiber as an apple, three times as much protein as a large egg, and even with milk it manages to keep the calorie load below 200 per bowl.


(no subject)
saw hthe Avatar series in 3days last week. been on the search for many other shows. for some reason i am not interested in movies. with shows, they hold my attention long enough before it fizzles out. now watching 30 rock, raising hope, curb ur enthusiasm, and modern family. so far i can handle 30 rock and modern family. raising hope is ok.
yesterday, me and aaron played pool for an hr. 4 games. he caught on real fast. i got tired during the last game. just wanted to sleep.
good news, i have an email buddy. he's from s. carolina. he, too, cant leave his house too often. yet, he is getting a degree in law. interesting. lets see where this goes.

inspired by a blog
A downward spiral just a pirouette
Getting worse til there's nothing left
What good comes of something when I'm just the ghost of nothing?
'I'm just the man on the balcony singing':
"Nobody will ever remember me,"
From Now on We Are Enemies - Fallout Boy

i've always felt like the world was against me since i've been 12yrs of age. childhood was not always fun either but ppl still say that i have it good. sure from their perspective but from wut i'm going thru it sure is shit.
'the need to succeed' dear god i wish i had that drive. ever since i could recall, i've been told 'never' 'can't' 'impossible'. remembering a time i was yelled at, 'that'll never help u!' i was reading the bible. not once have i looked at the parentals as model figures. they were older with titles they never earned. i've recollected nothing but fear, hate, anger, hopelessness, heartbreak. at an early age i knew that i should not look up to them but they were all i had. being the only influence in my life, it is easy to give in to the same emotions as has always been displayed to me. dealing with issues the way i was shown.
being the eldest of my siblings has not helped any. not once have i considered myself worthy of such a position nor do i to this day. fights with my brother 2yrs younger than me always wanting to prove that he was the man of the house since ours was rarely around nor acted on it when he was. me and my sister overhearing mom crying herself to sleep every night when dad was gone and the time we lived at his mom's. yh those times were hard. odd how he was the happiest i've seen at that moment. as a result of my parents interactions and lack of love display, i vowed to not be like them. and yet...
looking back many things contribute to who i am today. i am without excuse. as an individual we have a choice to accept or refuse certain things we want to influence our lives, the shaping of who we become. i hold myself back. i am who i am because i choose to be. so who am i? well lets go through the list: insecure for one. i do not like me. i've always been shy and standoffish since i was a kid but i had friends at least. now i cant look myself in the mirror, thus my hate for pictures. because of the environment i was raised in, i withdrew more and more. i rarely spoke. i had nothing but darkness and hate towards dad. iknew he was the source of our problems and i hated that mom was too weak to break away. yes iblamed them for everything and why i didnt have friends anymore and why i had such deep dark anger and hate for even myself.
low morale is another term to describe me. i believe to this day that i positively am worth nothing. it's supposed to be in a good sense when it comes to religion but i took it way off the deep end.
disappointment. yes, i felt that that's how i've been looked upon. and this is how i look at myself. i try and do my best but when i mess up, i give up entirely and literally cut myself off from that and anyone and everyone that reminds me of that incident. including blocking out as much of it from memory. to me, i'm no good at it and therefore should not even think of attempting it lest i deal with how the one i failed looks at me.
cynical. oh yes, i have a dark sense of humor and act sarcastic. words come out of their own accord now and i wish at times i had better self-control. i hurt ppl even my youngest brother. why? i dont want ppl too close to me cuz i hurt them. and i'm afraid of being hurt yet again. ppl should stay as far away from me as they can. i ruin less lives this way. i dont intend to hurt but i do.  i am trying just not hard enough.
worthless. i have nothing. i am nothing. i cannot rely on my siblings nor parentals to aid me when i will most likely need it 10 or 20yrs from now. i cannot depend on this body to hold me up by that time. i've always wanted Him to just end my life since i do nothing but waste the time He's given me. He still hasnt. i'm still waiting. tho i admit i've tried to off myself on more than one occasion. only in my mind do i succeed.
hesitant. i do not have the confidence to do things on my own. yh i take care of myself when in pain physically and mentally. i deal with it. but taking steps to further my career? to make a difference? how can i when i can't even do it for myself or my siblings?
frustrated. my memory has been messing up. but that's my fault. i've trained myself so much to forget things that its become second nature. my mind goes blank on me at times and even on the spot. my body. well lets just say i wish there were more days that i can deal with the pain. and that i'd stop being looked at as being able-bodied.
angry. at myself for getting too close to ppl only for them to leave. i really gotta stop doing that yet i want relationships. angry and hurt that my big brother left me. i've always wanted to look up to someone. why did u have to leave me to hold this position? i've done a horrible job.
afraid. what do i fear? being alone. that's prioriy. i've messed up friendships in the past i wish i could fix yet when given the rare chance i bothc it up. yh real smooth. that includes my siblings. i've acted like this for so long, its been hard to get out of it.
jealous. oh yh. lol. jealous of andy's intellect and open heart, of jo's optimistic and friendly demeanor, of sarah's perseverence and dependancy and creativity, of aaron's ability to soak up and retain knowledge and hard work. jealous that he got something i've always wanted and prayed for so earnestly. he has someone to learn from and get help. he gets an escape. out of all my siblings i've always felt more connected with him cuz he always reminded me of me and how i might've been if i was just man enough to do what was right. to fix the problem once the solution is found. why cant i act upon my problems like thta? why must i take it out on him?
i dont know what other words to describe myself since my mind isnt what it used to be. i do know that i believe i'm undeserving of anything good and positive and happy in this life. everytime i've tried to achieve something along those lines, it lasts for a little while and then snapped away from me. just like that. i'm confused and hurt and angry and why the hell did that happen? what did i do to get that taken away? it feels often like a bully taunting me with it and shoving me away hard when i touch it just a bit.
i do not deserve a mentor. i do not deserve a lifefulfilling career. i do not deserve a lifetime partner with a healthy sexual life and a few kids thrown in. i do not deserve to be independent. i am not worthy to have any friends since there's obviously something wrong with me. i deserve all the pain and mental/emotional abuse i've been through and will go through in this life. i am so unworthy that i am not allowed to know what direction to take scholarly and careerwise.
boy those are dark thoughts that have been swimming in my head for decades. well at least there's school now to occupy it. until winter break.
Tags: ,

and it goes on and on and on and on....
well, Jo opened my eyes to something tonite. she called couple hours ago. she didnt sound good. not sick but depressed. she always wore her heart on her sleeve. well, sometimes. she seemed to really want to speak wih me so i listened. an old friend of hers and her bf's had returned to their church. they thought perhaps it would be different (they had problems with him prior). however, he began to spread rumors about them at their church. and using those they associate with against them. sad really. Jo thinks its because he's jealous of her and her bf and how their lives are. i see not how. they go through much like everyone else. i didnt know what to say to this. i'm not well versed in this area. i told her there really wasnt much she could do, her and her bf. it doesnt seem he likes them at all (duh) for some reason or other. i told her just to pray for him, let Him deal with him, and just be civil and friendly towards him. its hard to do that especially when someone becomes hostile towards you and does all they can to ruin your rep. yet the one thing that stuck with me from that conversation: Jo explained how she had a hard time making friends. Jo? my lil sis Jo? i have a hard time believing this. she always is gregarious and open and friendly with all. how can she not have that many friends? she explained that she never quite fit in at her current church either. again, Jo? really? i cant wrap my mind around this new revelation. *pause* no, still cant. all this time i was jealous of her. she's smart, open, brave (way braver than i), not afraid to voice her opinion, and more than willing to beat up any who hurt those closest to her. i dont know if i can even do that. i wish i had her spirit. now, though, i'm seeing another side to her. sure i saw a glimpse of it when we were younger but i didnt know it went so deep.
she hides behind a smile. dont we all.
everybody lies, everybody dies, everybody screws up.
so true.
we rarely show who we truly are.
i should be more observant. i need more practice.
aaron's trying to get me to play with him again. play meaning spending time with me. we were supposed to play pool on his gamecube but i awoke this morning with tonsilitis. i did a few things to keep me busy but tired easily. my body just wanted to sleep. i didnt want to disappoint him yet again. one of these days hes gonna just give up on me. he must be going through some loneliness cuz he's been wanting to spend more time with me, even talking. dont blame him. we're all he has at the moment. i hope he realizes the importance of socialinzing one day. yeah, like i'm a good example. pfft. *sigh* it would've been simpler if we had a tv in the room. i realy dont like playing games in the living area when parentals are in the house. still, its a lame excuse. he's bugging me to play axies and allies with him as well. i'm not good with thought provoking, strategic games. i prefer math or numbers or word games like Boggle. *sigh* i'm gonna screw this up again aint i? he stopped coming to you for awhile and it hurt but now that he's doing it again your being so fucking non chalant about it. stupid jackass.
and i still havent writen back to Gerry. been over a week. *sigh* i havent felt like writing at all for the past week. been getting sick off and on. the times i've wanted to write to him or here, i didnt. i've been edgy and restless from sleeping too much cuz of these illnesses. yet, can stay awake long enough to check emails and messages here. and i'm still trying to look for pics to get for buttons. yeah but theres an underlying reason. i guess i'm still worried where this 'friendship' will go to. i wish i was stronger than this. at least to have hope for a future but i dont see anything ahead of me in the long run. just a brick wall as far up as i can see and from extending to the left and right of me. i keep staying i'm stuck, doing the same thing over and over every single damn day. nothing different because i'm too fucking lazy to get up off my ass to do anything new. i want to volunteer for the library. they'll need help during the summer. but i'm limiting myself making any lame ass excuse why i cant go or do anything new. i want to learn new stuff but have no motivation to do so. thats one reason i'm worried on meeting Gerry. i would love to find someone to spend the rest of my life with... 
i'm such a fucking idiot...
i'm getting ahead of myself though. more than likely it wont go that far anyway. i wouldnt mind it but we just barely spoke for 3 weeks. lol. i'm jumping waaaay ahead. guess i'm just desperate. man, i dont want to screw this up like all those other few times i had.
i still dont trust myself.
my best bet would be to just be honest and open with him about myself. but exposing oneself that much to someone they barely know...mmm...thats not a good idea, is it? argh! why does life have to be so hard sometimes?
*sigh* my backs bugging me to get up and do something. been on here since 8.


well, my headache had gone away by the time i awoke today, around 1130am. i made a few things to eat but started not feeling too well. my body felt sick and it just wanted to sleep. more than likely just the fibromyalgia kicking in when i dont want it to. i wanted to make spaghetti w/homemade sauce. mmmm. xD  but my body didnt want to today so i hope i will on sunday. i slept the whole day till 1630 and made a little something to eat after doing a bit of a workout. i feel better now. more awake, etc.

joanna came over today to eat mom's homemade tamales and menudo. and of course, to spend some quality time with us. shame i slept through most of it :(  most of the family went to see Kingdom of Heaven on Garrett's tv (it is huge after all :P). i would've but lily was being noisy and annoying as usual so i wouldnt have enjoyed it as much. i rather see stuff when she's asleep.

i read a funny post today on ontd_startrek. it made my day and joanna's. we couldnt stop laughing xD. and i'll never look at cheese and broccoli the same again. i'd say toast as well, but i dont eat that anymore xD. here's the link if anyone's interested:

pieces of a song
...Where were you when everything was falling apart?
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came...

But in the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who's ever known
Who I am, who I'm not and who I wanna be
No way to know how long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me!

Why'd you have to wait to find me, to find me?

yeah i'm depressed now. i'll get over it though by tomorrow. probably throw myself into something to keep my mind off this shit. later

stuck in this so called life
another year has come and gone. feels like any other day though. not much difference nor do i wish to make any resolutions. whatever decisions i make this coming year will play out, hopefully, in a positive manner.

i'm a bit appehensive, more nervous really, on this new website i'm trying out. you know, those kinds where you try to hook up with someone. i'm not actually seeking a date or a long term relationship at the moment. that's just leaping before walking. i have problems just being in a crowd of people. i dont have anything against my fellow man...well, i dont trust them completely. and who does nowadays? i'm just too quiet for my own good. more observant of others' responses with another; more a listener than a conversationalist. hell, i'm barely opening up with my fellow employees. this one guy at work known as big Miguel, always keeps asking if i'm mad whenever i'm too quiet. i always reply no. i really am not. i just dont know what to say to just one person. maybe in a group but then i'm still quiet there as well. i tend to be more content lost in my own thoughts than whacking my mind on what to say to someone. i guess maybe that's why i'm usually forgotten when it comes to work announcements such as employee parties or when they decide to 'hang out' somewhere after work hours. *shrug* i do speak up when i'm asked a question other than that my mouth is literally sealed shut. i really want to get a social life but it seems the harder i try, the further away it becomes and the more 'alone' i feel.
and nervous.
and scared.
i haven't had a social life since i was 27. am i too closed in now? do i really believe in 'never too late'?
well, when i first started putting my info on this site, i was optimistic and positive about the whole thing. it even has more people listed in my city than any other place i've tried. however, after reading many profiles on what these guys are looking for in a woman, i'm beginning to falter...a lot. i'm not perfect. who is? i really want a friend right now. just hanging out for the moment. if it exceeds from there, then all the better.
the majority want someone sweet and kind and smiles alot, is intelligent, or knows what they want in life. all those describe both of my lil sisters! how come i've gotta be the only hardcore tomboy in the family?! i wish i was like them. i do! i'm jealous that guys just come to be their friends and fall for them. they've accomplished so much more in their lives than i have in 10yrs! they knew what they wanted to be and did it. i'm still stuck in the present, neither moving forward nor back. i dont know what to do with this effing life i have. they can even add input to a conversation, be all indepth and shit, and i cant even do that!

this is giving me a headache...

getting older isnt helping any at all
i'm feeling more alone. i'm only the way i am because of circumstances that were out of my hands. i know if someone gave me a chance, loved me with all their heart, cared for me; i know that i'll change. i've never been treated like the woman i know is inside me. i just would like to meet someone who is willing and patient on bringing out the real me.

and this is how i ring in the new year...

work was super busy today. i was surprised that i lasted till 7 tonight without much pain :) and monica asked if i was willing to come in tomorrow. hell yeah! finally more hours! spoke with joanna at work today. hope she can come over friday. aaron misses her and loves to spend time with her. turns out sarah will be staying till a good part of next week at Garrett's place. i think they're getting very close now, her and Garrett. i hope they get together. i prefer this guy over her other boyfriend, Terry. i don't care for Terry's family either. they curse, smoke, disorganized, and undisciplined and instill this in their kids. but sarah loved spending time with them and so did lily. which i'm afraid of. lily loved it over there so much. they let her do whatever she wanted without restrictions and merely humored her. we're now the boring side of the family. and probably waay too strict and disciplined for her taste. though she's only two. i'm thinking she's gonna wanna be living with her biological dad by the time she's 13/14. after all, they do alot of stuff over there despite not having much to do. they mainly bar hop, get high, get drunk, and have sex over there. not one is a virgin past 15. and they wonder why they have a herpes epidemic? i really do hope sarah gets with Garrett so lily can see his side of the family instead. i dont know. she's her daughter.  but for her to stay with her dad, i know she'll get into anything she wants and have sex most definitely.  *sighs*  alas, i'm just the aunt. too bad sarah never counted the cost before messing around with Terry. i'm tired now. gonna sleep. till next time.


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