- and it goes on and on and on and on....
- January 27th, 2010
well, Jo opened my eyes to something tonite. she called couple hours ago. she didnt sound good. not sick but depressed. she always wore her heart on her sleeve. well, sometimes. she seemed to really want to speak wih me so i listened. an old friend of hers and her bf's had returned to their church. they thought perhaps it would be different (they had problems with him prior). however, he began to spread rumors about them at their church. and using those they associate with against them. sad really. Jo thinks its because he's jealous of her and her bf and how their lives are. i see not how. they go through much like everyone else. i didnt know what to say to this. i'm not well versed in this area. i told her there really wasnt much she could do, her and her bf. it doesnt seem he likes them at all (duh) for some reason or other. i told her just to pray for him, let Him deal with him, and just be civil and friendly towards him. its hard to do that especially when someone becomes hostile towards you and does all they can to ruin your rep. yet the one thing that stuck with me from that conversation: Jo explained how she had a hard time making friends. Jo? my lil sis Jo? i have a hard time believing this. she always is gregarious and open and friendly with all. how can she not have that many friends? she explained that she never quite fit in at her current church either. again, Jo? really? i cant wrap my mind around this new revelation. *pause* no, still cant. all this time i was jealous of her. she's smart, open, brave (way braver than i), not afraid to voice her opinion, and more than willing to beat up any who hurt those closest to her. i dont know if i can even do that. i wish i had her spirit. now, though, i'm seeing another side to her. sure i saw a glimpse of it when we were younger but i didnt know it went so deep.
she hides behind a smile. dont we all.
everybody lies, everybody dies, everybody screws up.
we rarely show who we truly are.
i should be more observant. i need more practice.
aaron's trying to get me to play with him again. play meaning spending time with me. we were supposed to play pool on his gamecube but i awoke this morning with tonsilitis. i did a few things to keep me busy but tired easily. my body just wanted to sleep. i didnt want to disappoint him yet again. one of these days hes gonna just give up on me. he must be going through some loneliness cuz he's been wanting to spend more time with me, even talking. dont blame him. we're all he has at the moment. i hope he realizes the importance of socialinzing one day. yeah, like i'm a good example. pfft. *sigh* it would've been simpler if we had a tv in the room. i realy dont like playing games in the living area when parentals are in the house. still, its a lame excuse. he's bugging me to play axies and allies with him as well. i'm not good with thought provoking, strategic games. i prefer math or numbers or word games like Boggle. *sigh* i'm gonna screw this up again aint i? he stopped coming to you for awhile and it hurt but now that he's doing it again your being so fucking non chalant about it. stupid jackass.
and i still havent writen back to Gerry. been over a week. *sigh* i havent felt like writing at all for the past week. been getting sick off and on. the times i've wanted to write to him or here, i didnt. i've been edgy and restless from sleeping too much cuz of these illnesses. yet, can stay awake long enough to check emails and messages here. and i'm still trying to look for pics to get for buttons. yeah but theres an underlying reason. i guess i'm still worried where this 'friendship' will go to. i wish i was stronger than this. at least to have hope for a future but i dont see anything ahead of me in the long run. just a brick wall as far up as i can see and from extending to the left and right of me. i keep staying i'm stuck, doing the same thing over and over every single damn day. nothing different because i'm too fucking lazy to get up off my ass to do anything new. i want to volunteer for the library. they'll need help during the summer. but i'm limiting myself making any lame ass excuse why i cant go or do anything new. i want to learn new stuff but have no motivation to do so. thats one reason i'm worried on meeting Gerry. i would love to find someone to spend the rest of my life with...
i'm such a fucking idiot...
i'm getting ahead of myself though. more than likely it wont go that far anyway. i wouldnt mind it but we just barely spoke for 3 weeks. lol. i'm jumping waaaay ahead. guess i'm just desperate. man, i dont want to screw this up like all those other few times i had.
i still dont trust myself.
my best bet would be to just be honest and open with him about myself. but exposing oneself that much to someone they barely know...mmm...thats not a good idea, is it? argh! why does life have to be so hard sometimes?
*sigh* my backs bugging me to get up and do something. been on here since 8.